sWeEt poison II

Sweeetttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!
In continuation to my previous post 'Sweet Poison'....

Hell no - not again. Never again. I think God has started trying my patience when it comes to the word 'sweet'. Each time and everytime, life cannot slip by with a silly excuse 'you are sweet'. Not everytime I want to hear 'you are sweet' when I have thought 100 times before I uttered a line or wrote a sentence, still debating whether I should have said or written. :) Is this oft repeated cliche'd word an excuse people often like to use not to be curt and sound very rude? Perhaps yes. Do I think so? Perhaps yes. Do I use it myself? Sometimes yes. Do I want others to use it for me. Hell NO.
I don't want to give another scenario...but its almost like 'Can I sleep with you?....WHY? Well, because I think you are SWEET!!!

...life and heart go on!

...there have been umpteen times when people made me wait, people had a lot of importance in my life, and people meant so much more to me than just ordinary friends. Perhaps they did not have time for me then. And now, I don't.

Things seem to have changed now. I don't have time for them or any such familiarity which would breed content. It doesn't even surprise me, guess time does that to all of us. Everytime. There used to be times when even a mention of them would sadden my heart or make me go weak or get me into a situation I would never want to be in. I can take names here but let them be unknown faces...it seems to make no difference to me or my life in any way. Am not saying just for the heck of saying. I actually mean when I write this. Not that I am proud of it...but am not unhappy either. Sometimes, you gotta learn to live life the way it teaches you to. As my very dear friend Sakshi says..and I love what she says...LIFE...GOES ON...and oh by the way, this is her link.. http://thoughtcourt.wordpress.com/ just in case you are interested...she is quite a writer...and one of her articles got published in a magazine recently....she also is an agony aunt for a lot of people in this world.

Back to my thought - I want to know from you - why do people feel differently at different stages of life. Why does someone who was so close to your heart become a stranger...so much so that it makes no difference whether they exist or not. I guess you can't keep too many people in your heart...you need space at all times in your life to accomodate those who matter the most to you. :)

Who matters the most to me by the way....my daughter, my husband and my dad and Ma the most (in that order).....followed by my brother and sister and few very close friends....followed by....? Actually none. My list is short! Although my heart is pretty big...it likes to accomodate very few people at one time.

JLT...

Something starts and then it stops. You wonder...and then wonder again. And you keep wondering!!!...and then you laugh it out!!!!
Life - at its best or worst - is never strange. Its us, who make it strange and stranger. I remember a conversation I had with a friend on this. yet at time,s you think Life is strange. Whatever. No debate anymore. Let's admit, we are strange too...much more stranger than we think we are.
Today, am free...free from so many such thoughts where I could laugh at myself or laught it out generally..and am glad I did. Cheers to the free me. However, shortlived it be. Amen. Atleast, I can enjoy and feel the moment of freeness. The more complicated you make your life, the more sanity you end up parting with.

About the picture, I was generally trying to get a dreamy look to it, couldn't do much justice and hence kept it with me for long, until today when I looked at it and knew I had to put this up.

I have been very busy in work and not so busy in nothingness and yeah yeah..you got that - STRANGE...offlate...no reason to reason that out - human mind and its mysteries are better left uncoded. Been trying to understand perspectives, reacting in my own ways and succumbing to reactions from others. And then suddenly I pull a full stop. It ain't going to lead to a frame that I so desire. It ain't worth a try even. Period. And I stop at that.

As I write, I think - been a while since I wrote and hence the cluttered state of mind. Help me unwind. Will take a while and until then, goes without saying..bear with me. :-)

Like you have always been.

Control+Alt+Delete

It feels like a revelation to me. Another one, yet. How many times and in what forms will they keep hitting?
There are times when you don’t know why the other person is doing what he/she is doing.
There are also times when things do not happen the way you want to.
There are also moments when you realize you don’t know what went wrong, if anything did.
There are often those days when you feel like a complete fool.
There are those circumstances which make you think what you did to provoke any reactions of the sorts.
There are reactions that make you think how you could make the other person feel and behave that way.
There are words that make you rethink about your own actions.
There are instances when you are in doubt about your genuinity

As if that was not enough,

There are numerous hopes unfulfilled which make you wonder if there is a God.
There are prayers unanswered which tell you that you did not deserve those.
..And a few quiet moments when you feel really miserable.
…And there is nothing you can do to stop feeling that way.

I am still learning to react to surprises – whether good or bad. They just leave me feeling lost, always.


Control + Alt + Delete - is that the right way?

Sharing a secret...

"You hold in your hands a great secret".

Yes - I am definitely talking about 'The secret' by Rhonda Byrne. Yesterday one of my friends had got it to work...I just managed to read through 3-4 pages..by the time I was out of office, I knew I had to go to a book store. :-) Bought it. Not that it has a secret that I don't know of. Any secret that would help me feel good and happy is already known to me. Surprises are always welcome, though. I have already known the beauty of gratitude and the power of visualizing things that you want to make happen and the way Universe conspires to give you what you throw out to it...all old concepts..yet so very refreshing to read through and sort out your grey matter.

A thought that I read yesterday in this book was 'why do we always long for things that we don't have' than 'feeling happy about the things that we already have'. How many of us and how many times have we felt gratitude for the things that God has given us...including these eyes that we see from, the mind we think from, the mouth we talk from. Many don't even have these. I loved it. I want to be happy and grateful about all the things that I have - and my count begins today.

Find time, even for 5 minutes, to go back in times and think of all the things that you have and be thankful.

Sharing a secret - my first gratitude to YOU ALL - I am glad I have you all with me, in my life, sharing beautiful moments together!

'Fervor'

I hate the numbness of thoughts or feelings. Whenever a thought or a feeling dies, there is a feeling of emptiness. Perhaps insecurity too. Does it happen to you? Quiet possibily in a routine. How do you deal with it? Okay, however. But if it is a good way, let me know too.

Inspite of knowing the fact that all beginnings have an end and every end leaves us with yet new beginning - in a different time, of a different feeling, idea and thought, there is a queer feeling that surrounds me. There certainly is a numbness in the thoughts and feelings,which is a result of the feeling that died or the thought that went into oblivion even before it could stage a few ideas.

As I think of many reasons, the foremost that comes to my mind is our reaction out of excitement or the newness of anything. Anything that is new - appeals. More out of curiousity than anything else. There is a fervor in that newness, certain effort that also goes in trying to unfold the newness and the excitement. And then suddenly there is lull.

With the passage of time, the newness takes a backseat and the fervor goes into thin air, leaving you with your usual routine. And then begins the quest - of trying to figure out why we did what we did and why did the feeling go? Why do we over react in excitement, only to realize later that we were fools to do so. That with time, we would realize there was nothing extraordinary in that newness of the situation or things or people. I leave that for you to think and for me to learn from it.

Okay, next - what is it that I want to do with it?

Do I want to let the fervor carry on and then deal with it when it goes? Do I want to try and continue to let the fervor remain? (Why am I using the word 'fervor' so much? Probably because I don't want to use any other word that may not be apt to use here. Not sure.)Do I want to keep trying even if the situation asks me to put a stop to it?Do I want to leave it at that. No further pursuing? :D

I know what I want to do. Do you?

What did I do?

"Today I have added you in the long list of people that I have let down in my life. I am sorry for that".

It is just a message that beeps on your cell phone. Yes it is - just another of those many messages that beeped in my message box and finally went to the deleted folder. But it hit me somewhere. Let me rewind a little and go back because I don't understand what happened then and I don't understand what happened now. I am still wondering and trying to figure out what triggered this series of events. If I did something..I apologize, but if I did not, then why am I being given this cold shoulder?

In a normal day there are atleast 2-3 messages and the same number of emails, followed by 1 or 2 calls even if they are work related most of the times or general chit chat. Constantly, there is someone around you, in touch...a part of your daily life. And then you get so used to living with someone around you - those messages, calls, emails become a part of your routine life. You know what one is doing, where one is, the mood, the thoughts, the to-dos, the work and almost everything about that person. You may not have time to meet the person but you know she/he is there. You know she/he understands. You know she/he will be there, no matter what.

AND THEN SUDDENLY THERE IS SILENCE. One find day you realize that you no more have those messages, or emails or calls coming in from the person. The first reaction - you are worried. You try to place him/her...don't succeed, you write a message or an email...failed attempt..you finally get hold of the person..and ask...and what do you get to hear?

'I am fine. I repeat I am fine. Nothing is wrong.' First blow.

No point discussing anything with you that does not concern you. Second blow.

I don't want you to get worked up by my worries. Third Blow.

I was just trying to vanish from your life slowly, without you getting to know. Fourth blow.

I hope you will understand. God bless and be well. Fifth Blow.

And finally the message:

"Today I have added you in the long list of people that I have let down in my life. I am sorry for that". Sixth blow.

Thank you my friend for these blows..they sure feel very good...soul stirrer!

Why am I so vulnerable always? Why is everything and anything depended on what others want to do with our relationship? Am I ever the one to decide about any of the relationships that I have? Why should it be left on one person, anyway? Two friends together should decide what they want to do - whether they want to be together or decide to slip away into oblivion. But I guess that's not how it works in life. Thank you for telling me yet another time. God Bless. Hope you feel better this way. Thanks to all those, infact.

And life shall go on...because it has to...the hurt, the pain, the blows...they shall continue to be a part of your life...

The End!

Disclaimer: I started it and it had to end and so here it is..but I don't want to write such stories again - especially those which have any kind of resemblance to a real life scenario...it does not leave me feeling good...and so while I conclude the 'Fire & Ice' post, am sorry if it hurts you somewhere.

Sometimes, just sometimes, you find the meaning to the words you just threw up in the air. A similar thing happened with me as well. While I was writing my posty on Fire & Ice, I was happy with what I created – it almost looked like a real story to me. Except, the end of the story. I did not have an end to define for the story. Agreed the fire was there. I also agreed on the icy chill that followed. But to question the chill was more than important. Why was there a chill? I stopped. I did not have an answer. I let the story be. I just let it be, concluding with a sentence that we will see where the story goes.

Just before I went to bed the same evening – I knew the end of that story. Sometimes, just sometimes, you find the meaning to the words you throw up in the air. Sometimes, there are people around to show you or rather lead you to the end of a story. I was unfortunately lucky this time. Although it was a fiction for me but I guess it wasn’t so for someone out there. What follows is this:

Lack of expression was the key, the reason, and ‘the be all and end all’ of the story. The fire, though ablaze, wasn’t ready to be seen, to be felt, to be heard, to just be there. Laying blames on each other, not realizing the feeling within, they just drifted apart, picking up their lost pieces. Or perhaps they just stopped caring for their relationship. They did not realise that no relationship can ever work on an automatic mode. You have to work towards nurturing, caring, and supporting a relationship. "When someone hurts us, we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.". They did the reverse of this. Those markings on the stone are all that is left of their relationship.

The worst you can do in a dying relationship is to believe that it is dying.

There was nothing more for me to state – it comes straight from someone who goes through the pain and hence I leave it at that. God bless.

(P.S:I am sorry for the ‘quote’ unquote here.)

...this LOW on YOU....

Never regret.

If it is good, it's wonderful.

If it is bad, it's experience..

...and like I so very believe in this story of life as a series of experiences - the good, the bad, and the ugly...it is a journey to evolution everyday, if you take it that way. Not sure what triggers this post.....I have a strange problem...when I am low, I like to be low and don't expect anyone to come and ask me about it or anyone to give gyan/comfort/warmth to me...I like that phase and think that it is only me who can handle it and only me who can help myself. People offering to listen, to provide solace, to give comfort etc does not help.

However, when it is a friend who sounds low, I get a little finicky and expect that I can help the person get out of those lows...and often get a feeling of helplessness when the person remains in that phase. I never saw life in that perspective and it is good to experience this...when you see someone else in pain because of yet someone else and you cannot do a shit about it. What do you really do? Well, you seek paper respite, do the customery 'don't worry, things will change'...and blah blah blah...fact remains that you hate it and it hurts you somewhere within...and what worsens the scenario is that YOU can't do a SHIT about it. Not always do things remain in your control.

Hope my friend finds solace and believes in life and the evolution and the experiences and the fact that every cloud has a silver lining. Having said this, I know it is easier said than done....the one suffering, the one in pain knows..and unfortunately has to pay for every such moment. In life, you have to bear your pains all by yourself. Sad, but true.

Does sadness rub on you? I guess it does...and I feel pretty sad right now.

And guess what i want to do right now? Shout out loud...hold all those who are low...shake them up big time....and I really mean it (I don't really believe in hugs that way)..and tell them...Jagooooo...there is a whole new life out there waiting for you.....go get it for yourself..., don't wait for time to do justice for you...the control button to your life is with you...your life cannot be dependent on one soul, your destiny cannot wait to be decided by others...not everything in life happens the way you want it..and so, accept life the way it is for you....and enjoy every bit of it for the moments going by shall never be, people around you may also not be there...

2B Or Not2B

...Can I keep myself away from these nagging thoughts about life and its viscious circles? Not for long I guess. Too many thoughts in my mind - but will take one at a time to avoid confusion...as I unleash one, there are two other playing on...seeking paper respite...but you gotta' wait.

...my last post and the comments there have opened a plethora of thoughts - debatable, yes and no...so we will come back to those later, if we at all do and feel the need. For now and here, it is 'to be or not to be'.

To let life play with you or be cautious, to just let things flow the way they flow or perhaps do a reality check somewhere, get facts in place and then a series of additions/deletions/multiplications/divisions and finally the sum! if you ask me this question, pat comes the reply 'it depends on situations..it also depends on my need for xyz situations'. But if I think more, it is not even the situation or my need for that situation - sometimes the situation gets the better off you when you start failing in your attempts to keep the situation in control. Similarly, need or no need it was in the beginning, soon it becomes an inherent requirement, an indispensable one! Phew!!! Not once, not twice, I guess am three times a victim and perhaps even more. Stop thinking about me, you am sure would have equally been into such a soup yourself umpteen times. Why do we do what we do? And knowingly? Pity.

How many times at work do you sit and analyze the day that went by - what was 'out-of-the-ordinary' that I did, was I able to meet the committed target, am I raising my bars with every day, will I get the time to do something other than what I am supposed to do....thinking beats all..but when we come to doing, we miserably fail.

Competition - another word that is favourite among so many of us. Well, there is a constant need for it. Yet, it is not everything that you want to do. It should not be a must do - I guess I agree with my friend 'West' here when she says that the only person you compete with is yourself. I would want to do that all the time and whenever I do, I amuse myself and the person in me.

Many of my readers in the past have asked me 'what was the thought behind the stuff that you wrote. While I like the fact that they are keen on me as a person than what I write as a writer...I guess it is small little things from everyday life that trigger these posties that I write. The thought behind what I wrote today was 'Should I pursue what I am getting into'. I see the carrot already in what I am getting into, but there sure is going to be a terrible digestion problem later. Just wondering whether I should be or not be, what I want to be. :-) And to add another thought, there is a reality check for anything and everything we do in life - we usually don't let things flow by...it's your precious life, afterall.

Don't come back to me and say you did not understand a word of this post. I am not sure I understood either. :D

LIFE Happens

Breaking promises sometimes gives you surprises. I am sorry I read your scribbles on the last page of the book before actually finishing the book, but the mighnight epilogue just gave me an inspiration to live and die for.

The book title says 'Life Happens' (by Connie Schultz) - well, I second that - it does, each moment. Mine also happened 99 times in the past. This one second - it happened for the 100th time. Or maybe countless times. Who wants to keep a record anyway. Hear this out...

Fact is stranger than fiction - and often infinitely more interesting. Your blogs are some of the most interesting reads for me. And trust me I read a lot. These were some of the lines from a midnight epilogue written by a friend on the last page of a book he gave me yesterday - Life Happens. A medical specialist, cardiologist in the making, and a day old in his Lt Col rank, father of a great kid Rishi - he never fails to amaze me! His belief in me and my skills makes me strive for more. And so shall I.

Needless to say any more - Within each life that we live, there are hundreds of small lives that we live and die each day or maybe month or maybe years. Every miniscule life of our bigger life is as important and should be lived to the fullest. I realize and reiterate that to myself. The first glance at the first three pages of the book and my own experiences and thoughts when I went to my hometown this time further strengthened my belief in the fact that we may not have all the time in the world as we always think. Hits you. But a fact. Even before we realize our lost dreams, many lives in us may have passed by.

So while that time is there, you've got to live those millions of lives in you.

I will start with a few of mine. Amen. For all you know, Life may happen! Reaching out is the key.

@ Random...

Today...

Fursat ke palon mein na chahe,

ek jhalak dekha juroor

Us mann se na sahi,

Pal bhar chaha juroor
Aur khayalon mein, jee lee phir ek jindagi,

Kuch der tak sahi, chali saath jindagi
Kyub bebaat ho gayi nazarein,

Kin sawalon mein kho gayi aankhen?

Kis kadar aaya yaad

Wo mausam, wo fursat.

And Back then...

Un pahadiyon ki khusboo,

wo khamoshi,

Us ek jharne ki kal-kal

aur kohre ki chaadar
Aur phir ek bandhan janmon ka,

Waqt ko thehrata hua, wo lamha,

armaano ko lutata wo ek khwaab,
Ya phir ek haqiqat? (Could a dream be so beautiful? Naah, it was for real. It had to be for real.)

and thereafter....

Wo jo ishq tha, wo junoon tha,

Ye jo hizr hai, ye naseeb hai

Cherio, life rocks. And so does my hair - just that I cannot muster up the courage to get out of the house like this. Hence the leave from office today. Thanks to you shalu and Sonu for the great ideas..

More later....but the curls are back. And they sure are back. :-)