...

7.45 pm

'You still love her, isn't it?
No, but I wanted to see her kids....

..and that ws it.... she cried like nobody's business. Silently. After almost an eternity. There's still more. A lot more to come out. God knows how much...

But for now...god bless. Be at peace. He reminded her of her yesteryears.

...this LOW on YOU....

Never regret.

If it is good, it's wonderful.

If it is bad, it's experience..

...and like I so very believe in this story of life as a series of experiences - the good, the bad, and the ugly...it is a journey to evolution everyday, if you take it that way. Not sure what triggers this post.....I have a strange problem...when I am low, I like to be low and don't expect anyone to come and ask me about it or anyone to give gyan/comfort/warmth to me...I like that phase and think that it is only me who can handle it and only me who can help myself. People offering to listen, to provide solace, to give comfort etc does not help.

However, when it is a friend who sounds low, I get a little finicky and expect that I can help the person get out of those lows...and often get a feeling of helplessness when the person remains in that phase. I never saw life in that perspective and it is good to experience this...when you see someone else in pain because of yet someone else and you cannot do a shit about it. What do you really do? Well, you seek paper respite, do the customery 'don't worry, things will change'...and blah blah blah...fact remains that you hate it and it hurts you somewhere within...and what worsens the scenario is that YOU can't do a SHIT about it. Not always do things remain in your control.

Hope my friend finds solace and believes in life and the evolution and the experiences and the fact that every cloud has a silver lining. Having said this, I know it is easier said than done....the one suffering, the one in pain knows..and unfortunately has to pay for every such moment. In life, you have to bear your pains all by yourself. Sad, but true.

Does sadness rub on you? I guess it does...and I feel pretty sad right now.

And guess what i want to do right now? Shout out loud...hold all those who are low...shake them up big time....and I really mean it (I don't really believe in hugs that way)..and tell them...Jagooooo...there is a whole new life out there waiting for you.....go get it for yourself..., don't wait for time to do justice for you...the control button to your life is with you...your life cannot be dependent on one soul, your destiny cannot wait to be decided by others...not everything in life happens the way you want it..and so, accept life the way it is for you....and enjoy every bit of it for the moments going by shall never be, people around you may also not be there...

Not Seeking Respite!

Reconfirming the belief that I have: LOVE sells like nothing else. :D And I shall continue to do that always. Happy to see so many people for it versus the very few who think it is not worth anything to those who live in realities that it is indeed fairytale to those who want to hope for it and then live for it. And amidst all this, I celebrated valentine's day much before it actually came. Thank you God and you know for what.

For past 2-3 days, I haven't been in the best of my moods - you know the regular mood swings that you have when you don't know what troubles you but you know you ain't feeling good. A couple of times, I just lost my cool at work too and people around wanted to know if I was upset at something. Was I? No I guess - it was probably too much of high and then suddenly lull which brought the low swings. Or perhaps the fact that I was confused with what was happening to my role at work. I have always operated best under such moods..atleast I constantly try not to give in to those moods and try to be at my best. And often come out with good creations on paper. 'Pain' and 'Uncertainity' of any kind triggers my thoughts. Makes me more realistic, vulnerable, and thoughtful.

I wonder what has triggered this post - it ain't for the heck of writing. Infact, on the contrary, it seems to me like an unsuccessful effort to try and understand the reason behind my swinging moods these days. I am in search again - yet again. I know what it is but I cannot give a definition to it. I cannot make a plan A or a B for it, I cannot put myself to think anything beyond the fact that there is something I am looking for. I tried explaining myself to an aquaintance and what was offered made sense and was an easy respite, but not a permanent solution. I know nothing in life is permanent. Yet, did not accept it.

Every day is not a sunday and I know that - and so for today, get lost in my lost posty. If I can't give justice to myself, I can atleast enjoy being lost for a while. Am I lost? For sure, somewhere, some part is lost. I am happy to give away and I don't care what becomes of it. Sounds interesting - happy to give away something of me that I don't even want to bother to know what becomes of it. What is the fun in giving that away? Sometimes, you can't keep track of all that you want to give away. Sometimes you just want to give in to somethings, sometimes you just want to get rid of some things, sometimes you just want to do things and forget them, sometimes you just want to be what you don't want to be....

Heck - this is turning out to be such a negative posty - it reads like 'I don't know who I am, I don't know what I am doing, I don't know where I am going, I don't know what happens of me. AND I DON'T CARE TOO. Words decorate it further..let me count:

Negative

Don't

Can't

Don't care

Get rid

Lost

Unsuccessful

Pain

Uncertainity

Love sells

Did not accept

Don't bother

Sheeesh - quite a few of those devils there. For once, I will let them play hide and seek with me. I am not in a quest of becoming a super human. So let the 'devils of despair' play on in my mind. Unplugged.

Let them dance and be merry.

When they are done and when that becomes too much to bear, I shall try to push each one of them out of my mind or seek help in doing so. In the meanwhile, if they get to destruction, you know who to blame. I am ready for that as well.