Not Seeking Respite!

Reconfirming the belief that I have: LOVE sells like nothing else. :D And I shall continue to do that always. Happy to see so many people for it versus the very few who think it is not worth anything to those who live in realities that it is indeed fairytale to those who want to hope for it and then live for it. And amidst all this, I celebrated valentine's day much before it actually came. Thank you God and you know for what.

For past 2-3 days, I haven't been in the best of my moods - you know the regular mood swings that you have when you don't know what troubles you but you know you ain't feeling good. A couple of times, I just lost my cool at work too and people around wanted to know if I was upset at something. Was I? No I guess - it was probably too much of high and then suddenly lull which brought the low swings. Or perhaps the fact that I was confused with what was happening to my role at work. I have always operated best under such moods..atleast I constantly try not to give in to those moods and try to be at my best. And often come out with good creations on paper. 'Pain' and 'Uncertainity' of any kind triggers my thoughts. Makes me more realistic, vulnerable, and thoughtful.

I wonder what has triggered this post - it ain't for the heck of writing. Infact, on the contrary, it seems to me like an unsuccessful effort to try and understand the reason behind my swinging moods these days. I am in search again - yet again. I know what it is but I cannot give a definition to it. I cannot make a plan A or a B for it, I cannot put myself to think anything beyond the fact that there is something I am looking for. I tried explaining myself to an aquaintance and what was offered made sense and was an easy respite, but not a permanent solution. I know nothing in life is permanent. Yet, did not accept it.

Every day is not a sunday and I know that - and so for today, get lost in my lost posty. If I can't give justice to myself, I can atleast enjoy being lost for a while. Am I lost? For sure, somewhere, some part is lost. I am happy to give away and I don't care what becomes of it. Sounds interesting - happy to give away something of me that I don't even want to bother to know what becomes of it. What is the fun in giving that away? Sometimes, you can't keep track of all that you want to give away. Sometimes you just want to give in to somethings, sometimes you just want to get rid of some things, sometimes you just want to do things and forget them, sometimes you just want to be what you don't want to be....

Heck - this is turning out to be such a negative posty - it reads like 'I don't know who I am, I don't know what I am doing, I don't know where I am going, I don't know what happens of me. AND I DON'T CARE TOO. Words decorate it further..let me count:

Negative

Don't

Can't

Don't care

Get rid

Lost

Unsuccessful

Pain

Uncertainity

Love sells

Did not accept

Don't bother

Sheeesh - quite a few of those devils there. For once, I will let them play hide and seek with me. I am not in a quest of becoming a super human. So let the 'devils of despair' play on in my mind. Unplugged.

Let them dance and be merry.

When they are done and when that becomes too much to bear, I shall try to push each one of them out of my mind or seek help in doing so. In the meanwhile, if they get to destruction, you know who to blame. I am ready for that as well.

Here Goes Life..

Her

Leaving her whole world, in anticipation of a love, that was never hers – was her story of life, in a sentence. The more elaborative it gets, the more it fills her with pain.

She cut the last thread which kept the both of them swinging in false hopes and fake dreams? It was a dangerous liaison, right from the start – she knew it. But she was too blind in her belief for love that she chose to ignore those facts. Maturity comes with age and experience. She should have known that. No, she should have acknowledged that because she knew that anyways. Ignorance is bliss they say and she took it for real.

It was too late yet not as much. She could try to gather the lost pieces and start another time. With that single thread of hope. Of that of the love. Love - that one feeling which remained with her. She believed in love.

Him

One look at her and he knew he had lost her. From the time she walked into his life, until today, when she had gone – there was hope, which gave him the strength to move on relentlessly. Without the need to turn back and see if he had taken a wrong path and without having to wait awhile and ponder if he would be able to do justice to what he had stepped ahead to.

Today his mind was a pool of swirling thoughts – disturbing his sanity. Because today, she cut short all hopes. Today, she decided to return back to her old world. He kept wondering why. And then as if he had found the answer to it all. Suddenly he knew it all. He knew where he had gone wrong. Sometimes, what you thought right would not necessarily be right. There was a difference of opinion – in what you thought and planned to what God thought and planned. Underestimating God's will was not the best thing you could do.

So he decided, after brooding on it for a considerable time. He had to let go of this life. He had to rise and shine, once again. This time - without her. Just to make peace with himself. Never to feel love again. He was done with it.

...and Life carried on.