Damn it...

Life is stranger than I think it is.

It never fails to surprise you; it never fails to surpise You by Yourself. I have never felt the way I felt today. I would almost have atleast thrice - damned myself or the situation or the feel or the perspective or the thought process that I am in right now. Have you ever done that? it is pretty rare that any situation ever go beyond my control...even if it has, there has been a mitigant. This time, there seemed none. Do I hate it? I don't know. Do I want to be in such a situation? No. Do I do something to change the way it is? I do not think so. What do I do? Continue feeling miserable and damning for it? Perhaps yes. For how long? I don't know yet.

See you all when I am better than what I am right now.

Hanging on...

....Just another day when I am plain, simple, irritated. Did I do the right thing? Was it the right decision? Should I wait for the time or should I act upon it? Not sure.

Hanging on.

Control+Alt+Delete

It feels like a revelation to me. Another one, yet. How many times and in what forms will they keep hitting?
There are times when you don’t know why the other person is doing what he/she is doing.
There are also times when things do not happen the way you want to.
There are also moments when you realize you don’t know what went wrong, if anything did.
There are often those days when you feel like a complete fool.
There are those circumstances which make you think what you did to provoke any reactions of the sorts.
There are reactions that make you think how you could make the other person feel and behave that way.
There are words that make you rethink about your own actions.
There are instances when you are in doubt about your genuinity

As if that was not enough,

There are numerous hopes unfulfilled which make you wonder if there is a God.
There are prayers unanswered which tell you that you did not deserve those.
..And a few quiet moments when you feel really miserable.
…And there is nothing you can do to stop feeling that way.

I am still learning to react to surprises – whether good or bad. They just leave me feeling lost, always.


Control + Alt + Delete - is that the right way?

...Giving it a damn!

Yes, I will, TOO.

...If it helps this way, I will do it too..though I hate to do this. I still hate myself to do it..but then, my space afterall...have the right to write whatever I feel. Right? If it cannot be between two people, let it be in this space.

I don't know what do people think of themselves at times. Why can't they understand the difference between what is said to pull their leg and what is said seriously. At a go, someone calls you rude, arrogant, always wanting to be 'in control', always ready to bull you, always doing things the way you want to, asking what other things you play with other than hearts, asking why you need people around you when you are so self suffificient and can do everything on your own...they also condemn you for your poor understanding of their needs, they tell you that you don't know how to handle sensitive things, and they tell you are full of yourself....

What do you do hearing this? React a little, with a smile? May be not. But I did. And this was about me.

However, when I say a single line to this someone...the reaction is a 'Bomb Explosion'. And usually there is a dhamki following that. Why do people react this way? This has happened a couple of times. Why can't people take a feedback when they so like giving feedbacks? before you start to talk, there is usually a one liner 'I don't like to hear this, please say this to someone else, no it is my life and I will do that way I want to, who are you to tell me how to handle things...and blahj blah blah....

Tum jo karo, sab sahi hai...hum jo karein, sab galat. I give a damn. Sab kuch tumhari marzi se nahi ho sakta, the way you like..the way you want to hear, the way you want to see, the way you want to be felt.

I GIVE A DAMN.

What did I do?

"Today I have added you in the long list of people that I have let down in my life. I am sorry for that".

It is just a message that beeps on your cell phone. Yes it is - just another of those many messages that beeped in my message box and finally went to the deleted folder. But it hit me somewhere. Let me rewind a little and go back because I don't understand what happened then and I don't understand what happened now. I am still wondering and trying to figure out what triggered this series of events. If I did something..I apologize, but if I did not, then why am I being given this cold shoulder?

In a normal day there are atleast 2-3 messages and the same number of emails, followed by 1 or 2 calls even if they are work related most of the times or general chit chat. Constantly, there is someone around you, in touch...a part of your daily life. And then you get so used to living with someone around you - those messages, calls, emails become a part of your routine life. You know what one is doing, where one is, the mood, the thoughts, the to-dos, the work and almost everything about that person. You may not have time to meet the person but you know she/he is there. You know she/he understands. You know she/he will be there, no matter what.

AND THEN SUDDENLY THERE IS SILENCE. One find day you realize that you no more have those messages, or emails or calls coming in from the person. The first reaction - you are worried. You try to place him/her...don't succeed, you write a message or an email...failed attempt..you finally get hold of the person..and ask...and what do you get to hear?

'I am fine. I repeat I am fine. Nothing is wrong.' First blow.

No point discussing anything with you that does not concern you. Second blow.

I don't want you to get worked up by my worries. Third Blow.

I was just trying to vanish from your life slowly, without you getting to know. Fourth blow.

I hope you will understand. God bless and be well. Fifth Blow.

And finally the message:

"Today I have added you in the long list of people that I have let down in my life. I am sorry for that". Sixth blow.

Thank you my friend for these blows..they sure feel very good...soul stirrer!

Why am I so vulnerable always? Why is everything and anything depended on what others want to do with our relationship? Am I ever the one to decide about any of the relationships that I have? Why should it be left on one person, anyway? Two friends together should decide what they want to do - whether they want to be together or decide to slip away into oblivion. But I guess that's not how it works in life. Thank you for telling me yet another time. God Bless. Hope you feel better this way. Thanks to all those, infact.

And life shall go on...because it has to...the hurt, the pain, the blows...they shall continue to be a part of your life...

Way Too Many...

..I slept pretty irritated and got up even more irritated - I hate everything about today - it is just one of those days when I just don't want to talk to anyone and just don't want to believe in anything.

I have every right to show my irritation and so I will....so the first one to the way things are at work - I am tired of doing the same bloody thing over and over again. It just does not seem to leave me, even though I seem to have changed roles. You are accountable for anything that is not right and in place. Deal with it. I will.

I planned for things well in advance only to find out that nothing can happen the way I planned because some things are just not in my control. So, I have given a notice to my landlord, whereas the family living in our house in Noida refuses to vacate the house. With nowhere to go and so many plans already in air, which includes my parents coming over, celebrating Mili's birthday and everything goes in thin air. Bloody well, deal with it. Yeah, for sure I will.

And last but no the least - confusions, misunderstandings, and explainations just don't seem to end for me in any and every relationship that I have with my friends. Each time, there is a new story and each time there is loads and loads of explanation. I have to hear things which I have never meant and done and said. I am held responsible for everything and anything that happens in someone's life. Everything that I did for the person is just ignored. I am tired. NO MORE of it. I will NEVER again hear it.

...and frendie, thanks for that conversation - it was heartfelt and this is nothing related to that....I guess am simply irriatated with the entire chain of events...it was the best thing you could do - call up and talk about it...I guess I really appreciate the person that you are...and I am sorry for what you felt....but some people I just can't forgive....I wanted to say it ..infact I actually wrote it...but then erased it..from here and from my memory - the best I can always do to myself is not generate negativity....whatever little was there, I leave it here, on this page!

Tedious TDS...

For now, it is the tedious TDS that I want to talk and get over with. It is that dreadful time of the year when I usually want to forget my existence as a professional, ahm okay… as a corporate woman. For last 2-3 years, I would struggle to get the investments done at the last minute, most of the times, not left with enough funds to make them at the nth hour. So last year, I made a new resolution that I would make all investments early in the year. As per it, I was done with all those by May 07. For the rest of the year, I kept boasting about it, my smartness in doing them and getting rid of the tension which lay ahead.


Yesterday was 30th January – that dreaded day - ofcourse the very last date at work when I could submit all my proofs of the investments made. Obviously I was sleeping over the proofs for so many days. Yesterday morning I suddenly woke up to realize I did not have them. To top it all, I did not even have the relationship manager’s number with me. Then started those frantic calls to customer care – here, Mumbai and where not..asked them to fax the provisional certificates…realized one policy had lapsed…went to ING office and paid bloody 13k and got the required proof, went to the bank and collected the house loan certificate, figured out the relationship manager’s number and requested him to send across the proofs…which he did. By evening, I had everything with me. Walked up to the help desk to submit, only to find out that the bloody desk was shut and would open only tomorrow. I almost felt like banging my head on the wall nearby and throwing away all those papers. Aadhi kamai tax mein jaati hai, baaki ki investments mein…aur upar se ye tensions….and then Manujee ke constant dande sar ke upar ‘tumne ye nahi kiya’ ‘tumne wo nahi kiya’ ‘why are u so irresponsible’ ‘why didn’t you invest here’ ‘why din’t you pay that premium’!


I wonder why do I work at the first place!!!!


Some things I just can’t be good at. Be a good manager, be systematic and be wise. Somehow there are these small little pieces of my life that I can never and will never be able to pull together…not just these, I guess quite a few of them, actually. :D

But for now – another resolution – I will make early investments AND I will make sure I have collected the proofs and photo copied them as well. You only learn when you make mistakes.

Today is 31st Jan – the first thing that I do after reaching work is Tax proofs submission. YYYYYipsYYYYY!!!!!!