What did I do?

"Today I have added you in the long list of people that I have let down in my life. I am sorry for that".

It is just a message that beeps on your cell phone. Yes it is - just another of those many messages that beeped in my message box and finally went to the deleted folder. But it hit me somewhere. Let me rewind a little and go back because I don't understand what happened then and I don't understand what happened now. I am still wondering and trying to figure out what triggered this series of events. If I did something..I apologize, but if I did not, then why am I being given this cold shoulder?

In a normal day there are atleast 2-3 messages and the same number of emails, followed by 1 or 2 calls even if they are work related most of the times or general chit chat. Constantly, there is someone around you, in touch...a part of your daily life. And then you get so used to living with someone around you - those messages, calls, emails become a part of your routine life. You know what one is doing, where one is, the mood, the thoughts, the to-dos, the work and almost everything about that person. You may not have time to meet the person but you know she/he is there. You know she/he understands. You know she/he will be there, no matter what.

AND THEN SUDDENLY THERE IS SILENCE. One find day you realize that you no more have those messages, or emails or calls coming in from the person. The first reaction - you are worried. You try to place him/her...don't succeed, you write a message or an email...failed attempt..you finally get hold of the person..and ask...and what do you get to hear?

'I am fine. I repeat I am fine. Nothing is wrong.' First blow.

No point discussing anything with you that does not concern you. Second blow.

I don't want you to get worked up by my worries. Third Blow.

I was just trying to vanish from your life slowly, without you getting to know. Fourth blow.

I hope you will understand. God bless and be well. Fifth Blow.

And finally the message:

"Today I have added you in the long list of people that I have let down in my life. I am sorry for that". Sixth blow.

Thank you my friend for these blows..they sure feel very good...soul stirrer!

Why am I so vulnerable always? Why is everything and anything depended on what others want to do with our relationship? Am I ever the one to decide about any of the relationships that I have? Why should it be left on one person, anyway? Two friends together should decide what they want to do - whether they want to be together or decide to slip away into oblivion. But I guess that's not how it works in life. Thank you for telling me yet another time. God Bless. Hope you feel better this way. Thanks to all those, infact.

And life shall go on...because it has to...the hurt, the pain, the blows...they shall continue to be a part of your life...

Spirit of Togetherness...

Togethernes stands out and sets the flame of love aglow!

Together, you compliment each other!

Just Like That...

AMIDST MAKE-BELIEVE WORLD AND RELATIONSHIPS,

SHOW ME THE MEANING OF BEING REAL.

The Kid Within...

...I better be here than anywhere else. Like one of those times, I am yet again lost within myself.

I invite troubles like nobody's business. Everyday it is the same stupid story. I make myself vulnerable, indulge in almost every kind of stupid venture, go with the flow and forget who I am and what my world comprises of, listen to people when they say 'go with the flow'...don't think too much, inherit and borrow perceptions from everywhere, let others decide my perceptions about things, and when I am in that 'Can't-help-it' mode - I get put off and lost. To top it all, people tell me to mind my own business. And I actually decide to do that.

Do you often lose it like I do? Do you often drag yourself in these crazy situations and let others decide what happens to you? Do you sometimes make a complete fool of yourself in front of others and then try to make up for it with yet another stupid excuse? Do you find yourself in a spot where you cannot even laugh at yourself? Do you assume things on your own and lose the perspective of things that are meant to be? Do you anytime switch to a world that ain't and never shall be?

Please tell me you do. Tell me I am not the only one like that. I feel like a small kid right now, lost and wondering where to go....its like...don't want to give up on the toy, don't know what to do with the toy...can't give it to someone else....

Fire & Ice - To be contd.

There was some kind of ‘FIRE of the sorts’ between the two. At the onset, so it seemed.

They had heard about the chemistry, biology, and physics that happened in relationships – and I would lay a thousand bucks on the fact that they witnessed it in many of their previous relationships. When they met each other, they of course denied of any such science or scientific combos, ever before, with anyone else. That was obvious, wasn’t it?

For this one seemed just the Right one - a kind of bond that never before was felt and shared. She would melt at the thought of him – his talks, his gestures, his thoughtful self, his intellect, his maturity, his oh-so-never-ending care and concern, his arrogance – just everything appealed more than anything else in the world. Did he feature as a Knight in the shining armor? Oh or well perhaps may be that striking similarity in his behavior to the Mills and Boon hero, she read when she was a teen, did it. For a while, it actually did not matter if she was at a stage in her life when at least she knew the things that she did not want in a man. He just seemed made up of the bestest of the best. Wildest of thoughts in the most subdued manner were no longer subdued within. They just got busy driving her to the wilderness unknown. Soaring desires. Start of yet another new life.

He was an equal partner in this cruise – sailing along with blazing dreams, to a journey to a place unknown, convincing him that he needed that companionship. He had predetermined ways of living life – you lived only once and you had every right to experience the unexplored. With a creative bend towards life and other dealings, it was inherent in him. At a time when life trespassed with a big B (read bored!), there was a welcoming sunshine. Little different than usual though, but he was ready to grab it. Opportunist. He believed in living each moment as it came. Besides, this was close to a long cherished dream. She drove him crazy – days and nights, altogether. Those traits – strong, powerful, creative, controlled, romantic, and adventurous – were never before in a bundle like this. They were too good for his ego. The crusade began.

...and then there was ICE – amidst the fire. Even before the fire set ablaze, the icy chill shadowed. This time no situational set backs, no confusions, no anything else. This time it was something beyond all this. This time it was…this time it indeed was…

Okay stop – before we conclude…the current state:

She: Perplexed yet quiet. Holding on to faith. Ready for ‘I-would-do-anything-for-you’. Anxious for the Endeavour, however; whatever it takes.

He: Aloof. Quiet. Dreaming on knowing how difficult it was. Waiting to show life the way he wanted - to her. Taking it as it came – one moment at a time.

And now to the much awaited conclusion... Smooth sailing, was it? We will see…

ReLaTe In ThE sHiP oF eXpEcTaTiOns..

Disclaimer: Any thought/idea relating to a real life scenario is purely unintentional. Please do not relate it to your life. All this - my life.

And thankfully I don't need to explain myself to anyone. (!)

Why the disclaimer? Well, it has become a mandate for me now. Many people will know and understand why. This post has been on my desktop for almost 4 days now - today morning it screamed for justice and so here it is.

Relationships - the way they begin and the way they firmly form a viscious circle of its own 'life' ever after is something I could never understand. Not that I expect myself to understand them the way they are. They say maturity hits maximum with time. Why? In some relationships, we show maturity much before it is expected. Okay, am not sure where am I leading when I write this. All I know is that this is not something that I wanted to touch upon today. There is a quintessential thought in my mind which needs the paper respite (I coined it up - all those thoughts in my mind that keep nagging me and want to jump off my mind on to the blog, I call it "Paper respite". It may not be the best coined term, but I relate to it and so please bear with it). Hold on, let me go back to where I began - so relationships are very difficult to handle, under certain and well a lot of circumstances. As I write this, I laugh out loud...and remember the lines from a song 'rishton ki bheed mein kaisi ye tanhai hai'...When expectations start boiling below the surface of any relationship, you often feel lost. The level of expectations is something that seeks immediate attention. Take this for instance:

I did not expect this from you.
Who told you to expect this from me?
Well, my mistake - I should have known.
Yeah, ofcourse you should have known.
I will take care in future.
Who wants to be in touch with you in future (silent thought).
I am done with this relationship.
This is not how friendships are treated.
Ok, then teach me how they are.
Well, too bad I have to do that for you.
Well then..too bad you couldn't understand me.

Sounds familiar? If not, lucky you.

Whether or not I reach upto the expectation is not important - let that be handled by the other person. If I have to manage both, then why do I need him/her. On the other hand, I want all that I expect out of the other. Bad. You gotta learn so much more. But hey, I have been rightfully doing what I want to for all the relations that I really care for. Well, does that mean I am NOT doing anything for the ones that are of secondary importance to me? Is yes, then I have a question - WHY? Let's ponder on that thought later.

Why do we expect? Is it because we need what we give back - in equal portions? You are my best friend and so I expect you to give me 100% more attention than a casual aqaintance would give me. Period. I love you and so I expect you to spend maximum time with me. No arguements on this.

And how can I forget this new formed rule in a relationship and this is my addition today morning - I want to let go of a lot of things..including my dissatisfaction over something until it really starts pinching me. (Quote unquote - apologies here..but it was something that caught my attention first hand, though I did not react immediately.) So you wait for things to start pinching and then take action or suddenly decide to cut off, or perhaps just decide to take it cool and pull the reigns on your horses of expectations or better still convince yourself that this is not how you should be reacting or 'expecting'. My bet personally - well, I think I like it. I would also do the same. Infact, I do it all the time. I don't remember a time when I just bombed someone with my set of expectations - I want you to do this/I thought you would do this/I think this was unfair - come on - breather needed. Space needed. Just let it be. Just let people be. Just let your friend/spouse/daughter/sister/brother/lover/ be themselves. You have the right to shout and be vocal about it. But that's it. Don't impose.

Often relationships full of expectations don't form a great base for enduring times ahead. One out of the two in that relationship would be compromising somewhere. Well, I know life is quite a lot about compromising. Anyone who says 'I never compromise' - either hasn't really been noticing enough or has a strange way of living. I know this one and a lot more written here is for sure a good subject for a debate. I still am firm on what I say. :- )

You are a star!

Who? You, ~Riju~

...and I mean it.

Why? Well...I have been thinking of writing this for a long time....not finding the time and the right words to express. And apologize for pushing it to a later time again. But someday, I will. For now just know that and trust me when I say that.

You are a star!