Gearing up...!

...I decided to work from home today - been a while I worked from home..the whole o last week went by in driving to work everyday - all thanks to my laptop screen that just decided to not show any details than the blackness. For hours altogether. Life does that too sometimes, doesn't it? Shows that 'u- called for' blackness to you...in a blink of a second. You see the black hole. Which doesn't seem to have a exit anywhere.

Whatever is wrong with me, early in the morning, talking about blackness. Let's shift base to some colors in life. Colors - I have aplenty in my kitty these days. I would be a fool if I said my life was a drag, simply going on with no surprises, no happiness and nothing new. I think taking life one day at a time has its own advantages. Every day has something new to look forward to and you splurge in it. No?

Saturday I went to Chandni Chowk..did I tell you I travelled in a Metro for the first time, ran across the streets in a confused state, I felt as if I would get lost...and realized its been a while I went to crowded places..I was in total panick...thanks to friends around, I was safe. I bought a tripod (!!!) - a bigger one this time and a reflector/diffuser too. I was pretty happy with what I bought. Sunday morning, a couple of friends from DFC went to shoot at the Lodhi Gardens. We used speed light, flash, diffuser, reflector etc...to click some portrait shots..also learnt a bit of Macro pictures...they dont interest me that much though but portrait shoot was a great one, everyone posing one by one...

I wish I could also tell you what I had in mind last night but let it be for other times.

My jaipur trip for 11th March is cancelled right now, which puts off my Pushkar plans as well. I will now be going on the 23rd of March..so guess the weekend thereafter is when I will go to Pushkar...it is pretty strong in my mind to visit that place now for last one month...obviosuly for photography. I hope I can materialize it.

:) Good day people....!

Yesterday was in a zombie state and by the time I came back home, I was very irritated...the music player in the car was shouting 'November Rain' which disgusted me further and I just patted it and told it to "shutup'! Well it did. But as soon as I had said that, I felt so guilty. Why the mention here? Because I wanted to apologize. I have been doing that ever since I told it to shutup...coz I really felt bad after I had said that. Imagine, countless songs I would have listened to from the player in last 3 years..(yes, my car is 3 year old now) - and yesterday treated it the way I did. We do that to our people as well, don't we? Do we feel bad later? Sometimes yes, sometimes not at all. We should. It matters.

...4, 3, 2, 1

...its a backward count, just in case you are wondering what that means in the title space. And with that, my mind has already started working on the things I want to PLAN for the next year. Isn't planning the best thing to do...so here goes my list for the 2009! In other words, my new year resolutions as of today (and the list will keep increasing...)
1. Sponsor a child for education and food and living for sure. Grow up with him/her.
2. Dig deeper into the mythologies around Garhwal and do something more concrete than just reading.
3. This follows the second point - attend the Nanda Jat yatra - even if it is for 2 days.
4. Click more of garhwal than I have in the recent times - with a purpose.
5. Visit Ladakh for sure this year (either Nanda Jat or Ladakh that is)
6. Listen to more of Top 40 chart songs... :) no..haven't gone crazy...just a resolution. A silly one.
7. Kerala backwaters/Italy - either of the two!
8. Grow my hair until my waist. :)

Stop....that's all until 27th Dec...I know the list will be a 100 by the time 1st Jan comes for me. Quite a task in hand in 2009...no? :) I love it.

...

Let me rise again.
This time on my own.
I need me.
And then again me.

Dedicated to 'Time':
You can't move me,
You can't trouble me,
You can't judge me
And you can't help me.

P.S: For my records.

...and the clock ticked just right...

...yesterday was that kind of a day for me!!!

I don't know what to say - sometimes you want to give up on things because they just do not happen the way you wish them too. While you burn from within for the passion of it, you don't let it show because it doesn't make you look any better or make you feel any good. When you keep on wishing and hoping and trying in vain to make things work for you and they just don't and you keep wondering how to cope up with that situation and try silly things such as keeping yourself busy to the core so that you have no time left to think of 'that' particular thing...because the moment you think about it, you think of your failure in terms of not being able to reach where you wanted to...and then slowly you start giving up on those things...people...feeling...situations..and circumstances...and get used to living without them...

But..amidst all these things that you keep trying, if you just get luckyand things actually work out the way you wanted..how do you react? Well, you thank God..(I just did)...you become nervous because suddenly there is something that you always hoped for, but knew wouldn't happen HAS actually Happened. Performance anxiety...lolz...not really...just an overdose of satisfaction. God, thanks...don't know your ways but each time they just make me a happier person. I am thankful to everything that you have always given me, including this moment.

And how can I not mention my dear friend Sanjeev who has taught me to thank god everytime for everything that He has done for us...Sanjeev, this is one of the most special things that I have learnt in my life from you, besides trying (and failing umpteen times) to be a terrific human being like you. God Bless.

Hizr!

Itni muddat baad mile ho,
Kin socho mein gum rehte ho?
Humse na poocho, hizr ke kiss-se,
Apni kaho, ab tum kaise ho?
Tej hawaa ne mujhase pucha
Ret pe kya likhte rahte ho
Kaunsi baat hai tumme aaise
Itne achche kyun lagte ho?

This Gazal is by Ghulam Ali Saheb. A beautiful one that I use to hear some 9-10 years back - I still love it today, just that haven't heard it in a long time.

(Uploaded this picture on Flickr today and thought of posting it here as well.)

People, happy sunday...enjoy the day....

...Giving it a damn!

Yes, I will, TOO.

...If it helps this way, I will do it too..though I hate to do this. I still hate myself to do it..but then, my space afterall...have the right to write whatever I feel. Right? If it cannot be between two people, let it be in this space.

I don't know what do people think of themselves at times. Why can't they understand the difference between what is said to pull their leg and what is said seriously. At a go, someone calls you rude, arrogant, always wanting to be 'in control', always ready to bull you, always doing things the way you want to, asking what other things you play with other than hearts, asking why you need people around you when you are so self suffificient and can do everything on your own...they also condemn you for your poor understanding of their needs, they tell you that you don't know how to handle sensitive things, and they tell you are full of yourself....

What do you do hearing this? React a little, with a smile? May be not. But I did. And this was about me.

However, when I say a single line to this someone...the reaction is a 'Bomb Explosion'. And usually there is a dhamki following that. Why do people react this way? This has happened a couple of times. Why can't people take a feedback when they so like giving feedbacks? before you start to talk, there is usually a one liner 'I don't like to hear this, please say this to someone else, no it is my life and I will do that way I want to, who are you to tell me how to handle things...and blahj blah blah....

Tum jo karo, sab sahi hai...hum jo karein, sab galat. I give a damn. Sab kuch tumhari marzi se nahi ho sakta, the way you like..the way you want to hear, the way you want to see, the way you want to be felt.

I GIVE A DAMN.

Ye Dil Maange MORE...

I can’t believe it has been so long am off the virtual world – guess the real life is proving to be much more challenging than I thought it would. I obviously miss the presence of all those I connect through the net – specifically Sakshi (my shweet little friend), Hello World (A person so full of affections), my new found friends – Elusive, Impressionist, Kshitij, Anjali…Jlo (her queer comments!), Aawargi – her once in a blue moon comments [But these two I am connected every hour..], Doc – my support system, Murari – His amazingly cute comments and thought process, the philosophical Om and his humorous comments, West Shine (Madamoiselle Wisdom)….and so much more! But hey, you are there with me in my thoughts....

Life to sum it up for myself is on wheels off late – over 3 hours of driving everyday, settling down in the new place and working on an RFI with two goals in hand – project management as well as transitions…am somehow pulling along – don’t know what comes next but this day, this hour, am only learning…doing mistakes and again learning…and I like that form of unlearning a great deal from so many years now. Sometimes, I want to repeat my mistakes…and trust me, I do that. :D ..and then I do them over and over again…and now I am smiling because naughtiness gets into my head again (as usual)…and I want to write what I am itching to - they say ‘flattery gets you nowhere…I have never believed in this..I say ‘Flattery always and always gets you wherever you want to go”…. Love the Fun or Fun up the Love – either ways you enjoy…sheesh..that was not supposed to make sense..so let us talk sense now…

It is fun to be busy in life – and however challenging life may seem….IT…makes you crave for more time, makes you cherish the little that you have for yourself, makes you want more of everything, makes you dream so much more, and makes you realize the importance of time that is just about to slip away. As I write this, I begin to think of so much more that still remains unexplored, unwound, uncherished (if I may use that word), unspoken and unfelt (permit me!!!)…as if that was not enough…here I go again…the depths of a human heart, the wilderness of the Wild, the freshness of the breezes, the divinity of the human kind and the one Up Above, the passion of working beyond recognition of any sorts, the innocence and warmth of emotions, a feel that’s just so out of world, the time that you want to spend understanding those little kids, yaari dosti ki inteha, chillam chilli, jhakaas nautanki doston ki, aur phir unka pyaar bhi, beauty in all forms - raw, chiselled and unseen...bus ab dimaag kaam nahi kar raha. While so much and more than “so much more” may already would have been explored..there is still room for yet so much more. Have I lost it? I usually do – periodically. So bear with me…oh come on, I don’t need to tell you this anymore…you have been reading that and knowing me, you know it by heart now.

So, I await life and Life, you gotta’ wait for me – here I am!

MS 4 403

...A couple of hours more here.

Not concrete and material.....a place I will hold in my memories in years to come...
Laughters and cries,
Promises and lies,
Bliss and havoc,
Making and breaking,
Ruins and Remains,
Of my Worst and the Best..
...a place I rediscovered myself....

Goodbye - I take my memories along!

I am UNWRITTEN yet...

Just sometimes, when you are feeling down...and you don't know why...and you don't want people around to help you...you want to pep yourself up....just those few little times, you want to do this..dedicate a song to yourself! I want to..and here is 'Unwritten' for me to suit my mood today: Mona...cheer up!!!
"Unwritten"
I am unwritten, can't read my mind,
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes,
but I can't live that way
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Tagged Mona!!!

So I have been tagged by Elusive....here goes my two cents on Randomizing Mona:

1. Record: A letter 80 pages long to Doc in AFMC about 15 years back. :-)

2. Need: An 'inherent need' to be informed if someone is going out of town.

3. Fetish: Shoes, Perfumes, Clothes, Watches, Silver jwellery, and Semi Precious stones.

4. Habit: Falling in love every season. More with the idea than anything else.

5. In loop: A song am stuck on - can hear it 100 times, nonstop.

6. Cooling Off Remedy: Earphones-Heavymetals-Driving-Solitude...and am fine in minutes!

7. Motivation: 'My Dreams' which I chase and then live - one after another. And I dream a lot.

P.S: 7 is too short a list...next time, give me a bigger one. :- )

Detached...& To Dos...

...I began writing about my observations on the art of photography and then I erased it all. Too early to be writing about it..and besides, I should go slow. The restlesness about it is fine as long as it learns to wait awhile. They say patience is a must for anything and everything that is creative in nature. So now my next question to myself will be 'if not that, then what?' Something or the other needs to be working in my mind all the time (that's how I am rather my grey cells are tuned in..)..else I feel very detached....infact that happens to me with people too...I get detached pretty fast...if there is nothing interesting coming out of any encounter that I have with others, I tend to get detached...there needs to be something constantly happening around me to feel the heat of things...yes I know what that means and I also know that I am getting used to being busy all the time...trying out something or the other in order to keep going...without a day or two in between to breath or possibly just do nothing. But no, I can't do without being like that. Not that I have tried ever...if it happens not by choice..then I sulk big time. And interestingly enough, I sunao people around me that I am sulking. Aawargi, Jlo, Divsy and so many others would relate to what I am saying here..but why am I telling this to you? No, I am talking to myself...trying to reiterate some things to myself...and I also know why am I writing this...I am not working much these days..and I hate that fact...am so used to working 10-12 hours at a stretch...and for last 15 days..it is is just no work..honeymoon time with the role change...though my previous boss has loaded me with one RFI yesterday evening and my next few days will pass by in trying to get another girl up the learning curve on this one...I still miss that hard core work that I did for so many months now...and besides work...here is my to do...

1. I have planned a trip out of town in the month of June...still wondering where to go..I guess I will trust my other traveller friends on this one...I wanted to go to Spiti Valley..but somehow it does not appeal to me anymore..so destination will be planned soon..but the idea of going remains strong in thoughts. And I know I WILL go..

2. So that's one..the second thing on my mind is working out and Gym deadline for me is 20th March - I will hit it much before that and work out like never before. Thanks to some people for this inspiration...they talk gym gym and just that all the time with me..and my dear husband who has no other passion as much as his daily work outs...and run....so extra calories burning time sooner than you think! Not sure for how long, though. :D

3. Music...aha...I need to collect some good dvds and cds......good old classics chahiye mere ko...like Casablanca.....Offlate I began listenining to 'Sade' - liked some of the songs but it did not take me long to get bored....kuch achcha sun na hai...batao kuch....Talking about songs, I haven't sat with my music sir for almost 20 days now...my throat was so bad that I could not sing at all. This saturday I could have tried but I was not home...I wonder how will I catch up on the lost times..and with this shifting, I wonder if at all I will be regular with it. Whenever anything goes out of routine..it just leaves me feeling lost. Does it happen to you as well? I get acoustomed to a routine living very fast and then if I have to break something out of that routine, it irritates me. Okay so back to cds...tell me some good ones.

4. I mentioned buying a camera - once I have it, I will start planning the themes and shoots once again...I wish I had the time and the right company - sala dhoom macha deta big time. Right company tou hai ...hope it stays...and hope I get the same passion. :- )

5. Ek exam 'LOMA' crack karne ka hai very soon. That's level 1 which has two papers...LOMA 280 and 290 - was on my mind for about 6 months and just got the approval from my boss yesterday for the first one. One of my friends got inspired too and is doing that with me..combined studies (!) lolz...

...I am happy with this post - I actually spoke to myself and got charged up once again. I, like all of you, panick without defined tasks for me. With a smile, I leave you all under God's care...take the care very much and keep smiling folks. And pray I live up to what I just mentioned.