I hear you...

..is it any different from 'I am listening to you'...in my opinion it is....and now am thinking...of many conversations that I have had with people...take this for instance.

Start. Stop. Think. Move on.

Not quite. Not yet. Perhaps Yes. Sure? Not really. Not sure? No, not like that.

Confused. Well, probably. Need time? Perhaps. How long? No, don't need it.

Anything bothering you? Not sure. Speak up. Cannot. Why? Don't know.

Need to think again? No. Yes. NO. Give it a thought. Don't need to.

Well then. Be it. Yes, so be it. But what? Let it be.

...Yeah, let it be. Let you be. Let me be. Let all be.

Why do we all live in sylos? Do we really communicate what we want to? Do I understand how are I come across as someone to everyone or anyone for that matter? Do I spend time in thinking what the person thought of me when I said something? Do I ask other what is their perception of me and how is it different now that they know me? Guess no. Not everyone atleast.

Hmmm...was just thinking aloud. When we make it difficult for the other person to understand us, sometimes it is important that we tell them clearly what we think because that makes life simpler, for us and them. Else it would just boil down to LET IT BE. :) Think about it.

Salt and Pepper...!

A candid chat - a page from my dairy...

Me: Sometimes there are situations which make you uncomfortable - like I was in a few months back when there was a guy dancing in front of me, with his first 4 buttons of the shirt unbuttoned, exposing a nice toned body. Since he was taller than I am, even after I wore a 2.5 inches heel (I am 5.5') - I couldn't help but look right into his shirt whenever I raised my eyes. For strange reasons, looking into his face was even stranger.

Person: Why was it an uncomfortable situation? You should have taken advantage...

Me: Advantage? What do you mean?

Person: As in if that was something you liked or may have liked, you should have taken advantage of the situation.

Me: Why would I do that? And I did not like it or may have liked by the way.

Person: And why would that be? Because of your status? Or the fact that you feared it?

Me: None perhaps. I wouldn't indulge in any such fun. By the way, have you ever?

Person: What?

Me: Indulged in such fun?

Person: Such fun?

Me: Forget it. Obviosuly you wouldn't tell me that. It was a silly question to ask and so ignore it.

Person: If you meant 'if I have had moments with women....the answer is no, not typically.

me: Hmmm..ok

Person: But there have been exceptions - one or 2...so there...

Person: Candid enough?

Me: Yes, very candid.

Me: Do you regret it?

Person: No

Me: Hmm...you know what, you are the kind of person I would want to go out for a walk along a beach-side on a winter sunny afternoon and talk about life.

Person: Walk with me on a beachside?

Me: Yes and talk.

Me: Does it sound like a funny wish?

Me: Unusual?

Person: no, not funny. Unusual. Probably.

.....and so it ended. Another conversation of the numerous converstaions they had. Months and still at that. From mumbai blasts, to vacations to work to experiences of life. Everything but what they wanted. Was life that long to wait for the time when they talked about what they wanted? Perhaps yes. For them.

...Story Begins

- Picture abhi baaki hai. :)

[When you think there is a end nearly, just somewhere around...a new life begins - have experienced it so many times, have smiled at it, laughed at it and sometimes cried over it...life shows you so many faces...each time its just you and you alone who encounters all of them by yourself. There are just so very many things inside of you that you live and die with. Every moment in retun only teaches you and prepares you to place yourself better the next time.]

Not sure if this is connected anyway in what we have been discussing but there is a thread going on in my mind since yesterday and I just wanted to put it up here. Does it help today if you are down and you call up your ex and start discussing what's going wrong? NO. Do you know why? Because it ain't your ex who you want to talk it out to. There is a time and phase for everything, including your feelings. They change over time. What you felt for a person in a moment may change tomorrow. You will be surprised but that's the way it is. It is someone else then who would provide you that much needed solace. Someone told me recently - there is a phase and time for every feeling...beyond and before which you cannot afford to feel or do anything. So next time when you see a pair of patient eyes looking at you, don't just ignore them. Well, I sure was stunned. I still am. I still wonder what that meant. I still want to prove that wrong. But there was a point in what was told. It had logic. I agree to it completely. There are so many times when we overlook the warmth and care that is being showered on us - because we are so busy in our world, because we take the person for granted, because we think we are special and so will always be taken care of....it ain't always so...one person so selflessly loving you may walk out of your life..and then never come back again. It doesn't feel right when that happens right? We may tend to ignore the fact and try and please us with superficial things..but the fact remains that the person has gone. U lost the chance to make life worthwhile, the way you wanted and dreamt of. And you may never get it back again. There might be a situation where you can do nuthing about it.

Hurts, right? I know it does. What are you doing about it? :)

This one - just for my records.

Randomness...

It almost feels like a routine to me now...until the time I have loads and loads of work to do, I keep going and there is a certain sense of satisfaction within me. The days I am not so busy or have some time off..that may not be something to do with less work..I may choose to not get deep down into work..I start loosing focus. Something's amiss. Something that doesn't work very well. There are days when I totally am lost - with no interest or focus on any god damn thing. Does it happen to you?

It may be because I am beginning to wonder about the next level and how will I get there with my current role. It may be a simple thing like my home not being prim and proper, the way it should or it simply may be the fact that I don't get to do what I wish to do. It may also be due to uncooked, half-baked things that you leave at the moment with no strings, hanging in thin air..and just hanging there. Pooffff...

Whatever, it leaves me confused. And irritated for no reasons. And it surely gets me to write. :-)

Ping pong ball..

...that's what I consider life to be at times...it just keeps going somewhere, only to return to nowhere. When you are nowhere, you have a desparate desire within you to reach somewhere, be somewhere. And finally when you reach there - somewhere...you are suddenly filled with a longing to be nowhere. You want to leave everything and go back to that place called nowhere. Well, finally in the end it is just nowhere that we end up going. It ain't places that become your final destinations or milestones. Between somewhere and nowhere - there is something called a journey which is in the making. It is this journey that you look forward to. Every moment that goes by is a milestone, if you really think about it.

Subah subah itni philosophy - wo bhi besir pair...guess it is the after effect of the movie I watched yesterday evening. Needless to say any more - one time watch. The only thing I could bear were those occassional dailogues by Om puri which made people smile and laugh.

Yesterday I slept pretty late...was editing 2 pictures (now on flickr) - and while I was editing, I so much wanted to get out to some place and go clicking some real nice shots. I want to see myself doing better than what I am today. I feel like a zombie right now - but hang on, stop saying that coz you have helleva lot of things to do today. Lot of things usually means shopping for me. :-) And did I tell you that I am gonna' watch the other flick too..bachna ae haseeno...today..

Tomorrow, if all goes as per plan, I intend going for a shoot to Chandni Chowk (DFC folks) and then to birla mandir later with Jo. I have never been to Chandni chowk and I really look forward to click some pictures. But before that, I gotta get my camera back from a friend today.

What are you folks upto?

AM-PM

Lost track of AM-PM:

2.00 am - Get up and don't sleep again.

2.30 am - get both the cameras, connect to laptop and start downloading pictures.

3.00 am - Start deleting the pictures from the camera.

3.30 am - Ping a buddy and get just a peck and then vanished.

4.00 am - Start writing here.

My last 2 hours were such. The day begins reaaaaaaal early for me today. By 5.30, I should be off to work to get the last minute documents from office. Courtesy my foolishness of not getting those documents yesterday. Oh by the way, I got my silk scarfs finally from GK yesterday and the serum. So more or less, am done.

Leaving Mishi alone for the first time for that long - 3 weeks. Scared. Nervous. And worried. Though mom and dad are here, am still like that. Gonna' miss you sweetiepie. Told her her favourite 'Mumma-Mili' story yesterday night. God Bless.

Be with me folks.

Damn it...

Life is stranger than I think it is.

It never fails to surprise you; it never fails to surpise You by Yourself. I have never felt the way I felt today. I would almost have atleast thrice - damned myself or the situation or the feel or the perspective or the thought process that I am in right now. Have you ever done that? it is pretty rare that any situation ever go beyond my control...even if it has, there has been a mitigant. This time, there seemed none. Do I hate it? I don't know. Do I want to be in such a situation? No. Do I do something to change the way it is? I do not think so. What do I do? Continue feeling miserable and damning for it? Perhaps yes. For how long? I don't know yet.

See you all when I am better than what I am right now.