Have you experienced the feeling of a crushed dream? Not an ordinary day to day dream, which got crushed and you did not realize. I mean like a dream you held in your heart and mind for long - real long. Atleast about a decade. And then it was crushed. Either by you or others. I take my other option back. A dream could and would only be crushed by you - no one else. I will not argue on this, but if you wish...we can take it offline. :)
Lucky those of you who have never experienced it. I can call myself partially lucky as well because I have also not experienced it except ofcourse when I got my AFMC and CPMT test results with not a mention of my name. My parents hoped for me to become a doctor all their lives. Major let down? Naah...not really. Oh yeah and how could I forget the SSB I got an opportunity for i- n Allahabad and Dehradun twice (also gave the PABT test for Air traffic controllers) and came back from both the places without getting selected. I don't remember crying both these times and also when I did not get through AFMC - but I did go into oblivion..and those low mood swings and making revelations in my conversations with God. Interestingly enough, I have always had these silent conversations with God which seem to have reduced in number to now being almost equivalent to a zero. Life...! As you grow up, you tend to believe in yourself than anyone else...atleast in your youth.
So, as if this wasn't enough, I did not make it to the final of the hepthalon and 100 metre sprint and high jump during my school for the national level. I played state level but that was it for me. I can hardly believe I wore spikes...and ran on rubber track...keeping in mind the seconds P.T.Usha ran for...trying to beat that record and never really being able to...that was too much to aim for and I guess I knew the truth. Now I regret why! I shouldn't have known the truth. it wasn't a truth. it was just another record set by a woman...probably the fastest running woman in India...but then it was just a record...wasn't too much to aim for really. Anyway...so sports gone, studies gone...where else did I falter with my dreams?
:) A lot many other times. More of it in my book. Stay with me.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
Crushed dreams....!
Posted by That was it... at 10:18 PM
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Lot of things I didn't know here.....AFMC-am biased,but my alma mater-wish you were there...or wish you had told me about it school...tell your parents that you have a doc as a friend-am not too bad-doesn't compensate for you but call, if medical troubles arise (may you never need my services as a doc)....SSB-Air traffic controller-am a bit unsure about you here-am actually glad you missed it because it sees you where you are now (& it's actually pretty good).....AN ATHELETE-I never saw that side in school (or maybe I just wasn't looking) state level no less-Madam ,you should be proud of yourself:I am impressed-and you should get back to that level of fitness ( hope u have given up ******* for good),then it was about proving your worth on the track field-now,it's about staying healthy.Faltering with dreams......WHO DOESN'T ? Remember PAUL YOUNG's song-don't dream it's over......Life is just too big a canvas for you fill.....never let broken dreams decide your colors....and the flip side....look at what all you have-for me, MISHI is the trump card for all your lows....and KEEP THE FAITH-restart your conversations with GOD...you will be surprised.....see more of you in your book-and lots of people are staying on with you....keep writing n blogging
Everyone goes through broken dreams - big or small. You are often left to pick up the pieces and try to put them together into the shape of a new dream. Life is all about ups and downs, light & darkness, happiness and sorrow. And paradoxically it's the pain that gives pleasure it's meaning - what would be light if there were no darkness.
The trick of the trade is - never to give up.
"The war not is not over. Because I haven't won yet."
(I don't know who said that .... but wow what did he say !)
Well for once let me be anonymous...........broken dreams : your post brought out so much of me, my past. Not ONE dream of mine materialized. Never succeeded at what I wanted to become in my own life. Wanted to be a neurosurgeon, couldnt be one, wanted to be a great wife, ended up in a messy divorce, wanted to be one heck of an artist, couldnt be one, wanted a life with my best friend (my fiance), am losing him to Cancer, just wanted to LIVE happy............well life isnt complete yet.........does it mean more broken dreams???
So what if I research and teach at an Ivy League, so what if I have won numerous awards, so what if I have a wonderful child, so what if people hold me up as a role model for successes they would want to enjoy, so what if my friends and even foes can count on me, so what if I am considered to be a beautiful person inside out, so what if I am respected for my virtues..........
I still have broken dreams..........I still have a void. I still feel cold. I still feel incomplete..........
Maybe THIS is what that keeps me going. Maybe the broken dreams are what helps me from falling and failing myself. Maybe the broken dreams are what push me to be my best in my own eyes. Maybe the broken dreams are the ones that give rise to new dreams..........for I have only my dreams to lift me up. Yes they do break, they cause pain, but I have the option to suffer or not suffer as a result of this pain.
But this is life. Not the same, not monotone. Your hopes are what keeps your spirits up. Your dreams are what guide you tomorrow. Your conversations with God help you process more clearly.
As Dys said so aptly, the pain gives the pleasure..............raat jitni sangeen hogi, subah utni hi rangeen hogi. It is my broken dreams that remind me of who I was, what I wanted to be, where I am today, and where I want to be...............because even in my darkest of moments, when all else leaves me, when even my shadows do not follow me, when I have nothing to hold onto...............my dreams, both broken and unbroken, the best and worst, the old and young ones, ONLY my dreams and teh hope inherent stands by me, reminding me of "me"
Adding to my previous post, Mona, you have the option to spread out your broken dreams or make a kaleidoscope with them.
Your call kiddo!!!
Adding to my previous post, Mona, you have the option to spread out your broken dreams or make a kaleidoscope with them.
Your call kiddo!!!
Sanjeev - there are still a lot of things that I would keep surprising you with. You were yourself busy for your AFMC and hence never realized I was preparing too...besides, we hardly spoke at that time. :) SPorts - major part of my life until 10th was only about sports ..my cups and medals would vouch for it. :) Anyway...there are no lows ..it was just a thought and hence the post. I am happy to be where I am today. Trust me there.
Doc - good to see you here after a real long time. Well said and I am glad to hear that one line ' the war ain't over yet coz I haven't won..its actually the attitude that counts in a big way. I understand how important pains are in one's life...they neeed to show their glimpses after a while ...I would never give up...not until I am sure I cannot do it anymore..I am carrying on..:)
Anony - :) You din't have to write all that...you are a role model for me...will always be..I have seen you struggle..not from today but from last probably 10 years now...that's when I first met you and I still remember the day I met you and the state of mind you were in. Today you heal others...god bless your fiance...am sure he will live up a lot of years to share life's most beautiful moments with you. God bless...
And am glad to see u happy...where u r is wonderful....enjoy.....n keep dreaming-mazaa to tab hi hai
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