Never knew it would happen to me as well - seen life changing in fraction of a second. Pursuing a cherished dream, chasing it half way through and then suddenly taking a different path altogether, where there are no glimpses of the cherished dream, no existence of your desires. Beginning to tread on a completely different path altogether. Very often than not, I have experienced this. I did not think it would become a habit to me so soon – habit or unpredictability, whatever anyone would want to name it.
While I undertake the new journey, I carry with me experiences of a lifetime. In just a month’s time, I would have undergone oceans of thoughts – emotions like fear, love, hatred, guilt, anger, frustration to name a few. Maybe I am a better person today for I have experienced the goods and bads of this world. More importantly, exploring the goods and bads of me. At one time, I would be a perfect human being for one, at the same time; people would be ashamed of my deeds.Why did I do it? Would anyone believe me if I said I don’t know. The fear of unknown struck me hard. For long I convinced myself not to let go of myself for the fear of unknown since it would forever haunt me anyways. Uncertainty is in itself a principle. It is there and it shall always be so. Did I ever consider myself strong enough to fight against all odds? If I did – I was a fool. Without a hand in my hand, and shelter and protection, I am like those countless individuals, who are on the run to seek support, love, and respect.I don’t think I would have thought of anyone else but myself – the nasty selfish pig that I have always been. Holding anyone else responsible for my plight will be fooling myself again. It won’t be “the right” thing to do here. Surprisingly enough, today I talk about rights and wrongs in my life. Things change with time. Yet, time is the only constant in my life – for that matter, in everybody’s life.What you do to others comes back to you. Pray I don’t fall prey to it – the broken me that I already am, wouldn’t cope up anymore.Am I numb? Most definitely not. I know what I have done and I know how difficult it is going to be for me forever. Yet, that’s life. So to say - ‘my life”!Don’t go by the expressions of the moment. There will be umpteen such expressions and thoughts within me for years altogether – with time, I will see varied perspectives of my decisions.
Just yesterday, I found myself with ten different expressions altogether. In minutes, they change as if they were never there.My worries will live with me. God knows for how long I will keep chasing the thoughts of the individual in question for me. The curiosity to know what’s going on, how are you coping and everything else will remain intact.
As I write this, I see some fresh tiny leaves visible on a dead plant beside my bed in the bedroom. No, not my favorite maples, another wild species of bougainvillea. Every beginning has an end and every end has a new beginning. The gap between the two needs to be filled somehow. I have my own ways of coping up – which are only for me to know. Scorpions have always had a streak of privacy in them. That is one thing which the world will never get to know. I hope coping up is easy and fast for everyone in life. Amen.
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